My Puzzle

“In life you get to a point where you realize that you need to stop existing and start living.” I heard this statement this past week when I had a conversation with a friend of mine. It was a puzzling statement for me, I started going back and forth between the words “existing” and “living” with the hope of discovering where I fit in society. I deduced that the word “existing” mirrors snippets of life; everything you do is in the moment without processing the consequences of tomorrow. Whereas living refers to building a future, having direction and most importantly having investments in what I would like to call a “life bank.” These investments can range from stable relationships which may be: family, friendships or romantic ones. Investments can also include academic work, small businesses- entrepreneurship. Basically the word investment embodies anything and everything that lays the foundation for your future. The biggest question for me is how does one live? And the answer for me is through identity. I believe that identity can be one’s best friend and companion because it is the only thing that can truly understand one on this planet. However, if there is an imbalance in our identity formation you feel lost and lonely.

Identity formation is a journey, it is like the growth of an oak tree which takes decades to mature. I can safely say I have been struggling with my identity formation. I have split identity formation into 4 categories: family, social, academic and spiritual, and I believe it is imperative to have a balance in all of them. Let’s start with family. In our world we have the nature versus nurture debate which tries to understand whether an individual is a product of biological inheritance or the family environment. I believe both aspects play a role, however, the family environment is dominant in certain areas. The relationship you have had with your parents, siblings or caregiver reflects in your attitude and behavior. Most of the psychological disorders that people have such as bipolar disorder, anxiety or depression stem from the impact our environments have had on us growing up. If you do not suffer from this, perfect, there is a balance in that area of your life. If you do, address it because your identity formation might not reach its optimum level.

The second category is the social one, which is the one I struggle the most in. For me this category includes your friendships, acquaintances and relationships. I never knew making friends could be this difficult until I knew the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. If you and your friend do not build each other up then you are probably not meant to be in each other’s life. Acquaintances are like leeches, they exist to suck up your energy, drive and possibly determination hence I choose to keep them at a distance. The perfect example of a transactional relationship is the one we share with acquaintances; there is no form of communication unless you want something , whether it’s money, school work or just a club buddie, you want something and the truth is we are all someone’s acquaintance. I view a friend as an extended family member and it’s crucial to feel safe and comfortable in these type of relationships. The romantic relationships are a bit problematic in the sense that they occur when we haven’t fully identified ourselves. It is difficult to compliment a person when you are not complete. It is shocking to know that suicide is at its peak because of the failure to balance this category. If there is anything that depresses a youth it is a broken friendship, a broken relationship or even worse rejection. This is the one domain that forces people to change their personalities or characters in order to attain social desirability. I know that the main source of my depression is generated in my failure to identify and position myself in my social environments. I bounce back and forth between groups of friendships, one minute I am confiding in someone and the next minute I am being overwhelmed by a pool of loneliness and hopelessness and it gets suffocating to the point that tear stains become a second layer of my skin. Literally.

The third category is the academic sphere. Learning is one thing but building a life is another. We live in a society that dictates our worth, if you are this you are nothing and if you are this you are something and we are all fighting to be something. You know you want to be something but you do not know which path will take you there. Until one identifies this path, one will forever feel unsatisfied, even in old age. Finally there is the spiritual domain. I won’t dwell on this one because people have different beliefs, however, I will say that it is important to do what makes you content because forcing things creates cognitive dissonance which is not psychologically healthy. Funny thing is we live in a constant state of cognitive dissonance which is probably why depression easily attacks us. In summary, it is important to be content in every category above in order to successfully identify yourself until then we will simply exist and wish to live.

I am trying to find the missing pieces to my puzzle in order to complete it; I hope you will do the same because incompleteness has provided sorrow and distress for me that I believe completeness will be my salvation. I am existing,I have been existing and I want to live.